Isabella is that you? 1

(Isabella PoV)

She stood there in her simple black underwear, looking at the cloths lying on the bed. None of them were what the boy had been used to. Once he started going to that new private school, and left everyone behind. Though she knew it wasn’t personal, he wasn’t too bright when it came to matters of people, ideas and inventions that was where he exceled. She let her eyes scan across the clothing that she had again. Black or dark, that’s what became of the bright sunny girl from across the street. She wouldn’t even be here trying to decide, if her mother hadn’t told her that she had to go over there for some party or something. Stupid.

Once she realized that he wouldn’t ever see her as anything other than the girl across the street, she turned into her self. At first, she just stopped going over there. Then her friends, or the ones that used to be her friends kept poking and prodding her trying to figure out why she never went over to help Phineas. Well most of her friends had gone. There was Gretchen, her and Gretchen still had the same views, no one cared. Ever cared beyond what they wanted.

Isabella stood looking out her window, across the street to the place where she had gone so many times, but not anymore. There he was, Phineas, the boy to whom her heart used to flutter from the sheer sight of him. Now the sight of him only left it aching, breaking. She tried so many times to get him to just notice her, to notice how she felt. It wasn’t that she was shy, she made it obvious how she felt. Everyone knew it, everyone except the one that she wanted to know. How long had it been since she even bothered to go over there?

Three years…? She was fourteen now, so yeah three years. Had it really been that long? Yeah it had been three years since she had even bothered going across the street to her neighbor’s house, where the most marvelous things had been constructed. Wonder and amazement, but never what she wanted, never what she was looking for. Phineas… how long had it been since she even thought about his name? Since the last time she saw him, a couple months ago. Ever since he started going to that private school, she had hardly seen him or his brother Ferb. Her friends? Longer. She decided to leave the Fireside Girls long ago, all but of course Gretchen. She had decided, what was the point in collecting stupid patches, when what she really wanted was so far out of reach?

She decided that she didn’t need to impress him anymore, she didn’t need the frustrations. Her life had become less complicated when she stopped fawning over him, didn’t it? Didn’t it, she asked herself and got no reply. Yes it did, she decided to answer, though she really didn’t believe it. At least it would only be one day, one party she had to attend. She pulled a black skirt up her legs and over the slender hips that had developed since she had last seen him, pulled a black shirt over her head, with white print on the front, which simply said, “Who cares?” a stab at the boy who she had loved and had ignored her. The party was for him anyways wasn’t it, so why should she care? He never had.

She finished it off with the makeup she normally wore whenever she went out, nothing special. She started with the eyeliner, and then finished with the black lipstick. She wished she could wear more, but it didn’t complement her skin tone too well. She grabbed a box out of her closet, to put the gift her mother had bought so she’d have something to give him. When told about the party, she said she didn’t want to buy anything for him. That she didn’t know what he’d want. Then stated, that he wouldn’t even notice if she brought one, wouldn’t even notice if she was there at all. Another failed attempt at getting out of going. Her only reason for forcing herself to go, was that Gretchen would be there too, against her will. And at least she’d have someone to talk to. She looked in the mirror that used to be outlined in pictures of her and her friends, and Phineas. Black clothing, no bow. She liked how she looked, thought it was an improvement over the weak person she once was. Let’s get this over with, she said to herself.

“See you over there, Mija” her mother called after her as she walked out, she didn’t reply just continued walking. She saw others arriving, some of her old Fireside friends, who looked at her. Mouths agape, they went to different schools so they hadn’t seen her in a long time, and had long since stopped coming over.

“I don’t care what you think.” The words came out her mouth just as easy as breathing as she passed them, and their shocked faces. She continued on, leaving the girls to stare after her.

Just through the gate, she said to herself, you can do this Isabella don’t let them see you hesitate. She walked into the backyard looking around. There was Buford, at least he looked cleaner than he used to. Baljeet standing next to Buford, as was always. She hadn’t expected that friendship to last, maybe there was more than she saw, not that she really cared much. Ginger was standing next to Baljeet, maybe they had become a couple in her absence. Her former friends from the front had come in, Milly, Addison, and Holly. Candace was talking to Katie, another of her former Fireside Girl friends. Ferb, was just standing around not really doing much. No Gretchen… great now what. She placed the box on the table next to the rest and made her way to the tree that stood in the back yard, leaning against it.

Phineas wasn’t out here yet either, maybe she could just say something to him, give him her gift, and leave. Technically that was going to the party, right?

“Who is that?” she heard Candace ask Katie and the other Fireside Girls, she knew they were looking at her. She turned her head and glanced at them from the corner of her eyes, yeah Candace was looking right at her.

“That’s Isabella,” Milly, the mousy haired girl, replied in a shushed tone.

“Yeah, I haven’t seen her since she left the Fireside Girls.” One of them said, they all nodded in agreement.

“None of you have talked to her in years?” Candace folded her arms over he chest looking at the girls. When they all just stared back, Candace started coming towards her. Isabella pushed herself off the tree, and started towards the gate that would lead her back home, “Isabella!” Candace called.

She stopped, counted to ten. Why was she so angry? Candace never did anything to her, she was hyper, and always trying to bust the boys, but she listened when she had calmed down enough anyways. She turned to Candace, “Hey Candace.”

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” Isabella only shrugged, and then looked back to her former friends. Ginger and her sister Stacy had shown up. Stacy like Candace had filled out. Isabella didn’t have that issue, she started to curve at about twelve or so, she didn’t remember. She didn’t care.

“It happens, look I left the gift for Phineas on the table, for whatever this is,” raising her arms indicating everything around them, “I’m gonna go.” Isabella said flatly, and then was stopped by Ginger.

“Hey Isabella.” She said, Isabella just stared at her a moment, when it seemed that Ginger wouldn’t move.

“Hey Ginger, long time… I gotta go.” Isabella said with equal flatness as before. No emotion, no hint about how each moment she stayed in this yard was another moment closer to Phineas arriving.

“You’re not going to tell Phineas Happy Birthday?” Stacy had said somewhere over her shoulder. It was Phineas’ birthday, at one point she would have remembered, would have counted down the days. But she didn’t anymore… obviously the look on her face said everything.

“You forgot? You?” Ginger looked shocked, Isabella scoffed and put as much bite in her voice as she could muster.

“I’m not his keeper. Now if you’ll…” she started, but a voice interrupted her. No… not that voice. Not him, not now, she was so close to the gate.

“Isabella?” it was Phineas, so he did notice she was here. Big surprise. She turned to look at him, he was walking up, and she watched him come closer from between Stacy and Candace. “I haven’t seen you in…”

“I left your gift on the table, I-I have to go.” Isabella turned, feelings that she hadn’t felt in years was surging through her, and something was building to an explosion. Feelings she couldn’t… wouldn’t allow to start again. She wouldn’t let those feeling tear her apart anymore. She walked past them, past the others coming in that she didn’t remember. Phineas was calling for her, she noticed that no one else was talking anymore, everyone now watched her. She stopped, turned and looked back at Phineas. She wasn’t sure what her face looked like, but Stacy and Candace took a step back. “No.” her voice wasn’t flat, it had bite in it. “I-I… For years…” she couldn’t get her mind to form the words she wanted to yell at him.

Phineas just stared at her waiting, along with everyone else, though all she could see were Candace, Stacy, Ginger and of course Phineas. How long had they waited for this show down? “You ignored how I felt… you were too blind to see it and now I’m supposed to care? No, it doesn’t work that way.” That something that was building inside got bigger. She didn’t yell, she didn’t need to, her voice was low, but was sure everyone heard. When did her heart start beating faster? When did the tears start, messing up her makeup? When did she allow these feelings of hurt and rejection back? Then she whispered, “I hadn’t felt… damn you Phineas.” From the looks on the faces around her, she was sure only the four closest to her heard it. Then she smiled, she knew it looked fake, “Happy Birthday.”

She turned and walked out the gate, across the lawn. No talking behind her, no laughing like she expected. No damning words, nothing. She expected something, someone to tell her she couldn’t say what she said, or to run out to her. But nothing, maybe she was right, they all wanted to just ignore her, and she just made it easier. She made it to the sidewalk, when it all hit her again. Those feelings building up, looking for an escape, she slipped and fell to her knees which luckily hit the grass before the sidewalk. She needed to go, she couldn’t… too late. It erupted, surging from her stomach, to her heart, to her throat, she screamed. The sound was full of anger and frustration drowned in sadness.

She had to go, she couldn’t wait here they couldn’t see her like this. She couldn’t allow it, not after all this time. Damn her mother for making her go, damn Phineas for making her feel like this. Damn herself for letting her break down. Voices surrounded her, hands grabbing at her which she shook off, and failed to get back to her feet, leaving her to just lean against the ground. All those voiced reverberated off her at once.

“Isabella?”  ”Are you alright?” “What happened?” “What's wrong?” “Is she hurt?”

“Leave. Me. Alone. ” Her voice was flat, she wanted them all to leave her alone. She just wanted to go home and forget all about these feelings, lock them back in their box.

“No. I won’t.” she swung her head towards the voice that told her ‘no’. It was Phineas kneeling beside her, it was his hands that was grabbing her.

“I-I have to…” tears burned her eyes as she stared at him. She had always wanted him to look at her like that, with compassion, and care. But it just broke her more. Too late, she said in her mind, that girl is gone now. Dead. She pushed him off her. She was letting these feelings get the better of her. Not this time, she refused. She managed to get to her feet, and stumbled due to blurry vision, and fell again. Everything went black.

More voices around her, concerned voices, and reassuring voices. At first she thought she was in a room, until it moved, she moved. Then someone was yelling to be careful. She opened her eyes, everything was blurry, her head hurt. She moved her hand up to her head, something warm smeared across her hand. She pulled it back looking at it, red. Her vision was blurry, but she didn’t have any problem figuring out she fell head first on the sidewalk. But who was with her? She turned her head, it was Mrs. Fletcher in the passenger seat, Okay not so bad, Candace was driving… alright. By her feet was her mother. She looked up, but she couldn’t keep her eyes open long enough to see who was above her.

When she awoke again, there were more voices, explaining that the stitches would have to come out in about a week. More hushed talking, she heard footsteps, and then heard her mother asking someone in the room to wait with her, she assumed she was ‘her’, while she went out to talk with the doctor.

“You’re awake.” A voice said, she knew the voice, and she kept her eyes closed. The voice belonged to the one person she didn’t want to talk to at the moment… moment… she didn’t want to talk to him, period. She pretended that she was still sleeping. “I noticed your breathing changed, Isabella you’re awake.”

She should have known he would be too smart to fall for that. He was smart about people in that way, but feelings… he was an idiot. “What?”

“Are you alright?” How could he dare ask that… oh her head, yeah that made sense. She didn’t think that he would pick now to become apparent to her feelings, or former feelings. Then again she did just tell him…

“My head is fine.” Straight and to the point, she kept her eyes closed, she didn’t want to see him. She wondered if her makeup was still running on her face or if someone had cleaned it.

“That’s not what I meant Isabella, and you know it.” His voice was stern yet filled with concern. Wonderful time to see how others are feeling, when they have to tell you straight out. What an idiot.

“I’ll be fine when… when…” when would she be fine? When she was able to lock all that crap away? When she was able to get away from him? When the world opened up and swallowed her? Obviously the last one wasn’t ready, her head just bounced off it right now. “I’ll be fine.”

“I didn’t… I didn’t know.” He said, he sounded truthful… of course he was being truthful he never had lied before, why should he now?

“You are an idiot.” She kept her voice low, hoping her mother wouldn’t hear her, she didn’t want to be yelled at on top of everything. She had made a pretty big scene, maybe now she’ll realize she shouldn’t have pushed her to go when she obviously had reasons for not wanting to go.

“Yeah I guess so.” He said, she heard rustling paper being ripped open. She opened her eyes a little to see that he was opening the gift that she brought. Obviously he noticed she was looking, or at least was paying attention, “Candace brought your gift here after going back to get a change of cloths for you.”

Cloths for… she realized she was wearing what all patients wore a gown, and nothing else. How long had she been asleep? She knew head injuries required x-rays, she had gotten stitches obviously, couple hours she guessed. “Aren’t you supposed to see if I have memory loss?”

“Well do you?” he had stopped opening his gift, looking at her. Idiot, he is a complete idiot.  “Oh well never mind that was a stupid… never mind.”

“Idiot.” she huffed, and found that as long as she didn’t look at him, she could talk to him without her heart racing. Without those feelings rearing its ugly head.

“So... uhm nice new look.” He seemed to be trying to make small talk, she’d fix that awkwardness.

“You know you don’t have to talk to me. I did ruin your party.” Why did she even care if she ruined his party, he ruined her emotions. Stupid idiot.

“So? You know… maybe you don’t. But I hadn’t had a birthday party since you stopped coming over. Only reason why I agreed to this year was because mom said you were going to come.” The rustling again, he obviously wanted to know what her mother got him. Should she mention that she didn’t buy the gift… maybe if he didn’t like it she would tell him who bought it. Her eyes opened, and she stared at the box. Her eyes widened, that wasn’t the box with the gift her mother bought, that was the box that she had put something she made for Phineas’ birthday a long time ago.

“No wait. That’s the wrong…” but he had already opened it. She lunged off the bed, and landed on him, the chair he was in obviously not designed for this, toppled back and they both ended up on the floor. “No give that here, that’s not…” too late, she told herself as he held the book in his hands. Why did she keep that? Because until now she didn’t even remember she had it. She righted herself and got back onto the bed, sitting now though.

“It says ‘Happy Birthday Phineas’ on it. But it’s not mine?” he looked confused, and she looked mortified. And she shook her head.

“No that’s from, before. It’s mine, so… give it back.” She held out her hand, he just opened it and turned the pages. He used to listen to me, now he was like everyone else. No one paid much attention to her. She watched as he flipped through the book, of bad drawings, and pictures she had written around. A confession of her love in a book she planned on giving him. Then she gave up and packed the book away along with all her emotions. She wanted to leave, she wanted him to go.

“Why didn’t you give this to me before Isabella?” she looked at him, just stared at him. How was she supposed to have given it to him, when its meaning would have been wasted on an idiot?  “Maybe…”

“Maybe? No, if I had given it to you then, you’d have been as clueless as always.” She folded her arms over her chest, ick the robe was pink. Her once favorite color had easily become her most hated.

“I would… would have understood. It’s not like I never thought about it you know.” No, he didn’t get to be sensitive, he didn’t get to be like that now. No way.

“No you wouldn’t have. You never saw anything that wasn’t some stupid invention. Not one time, not in Paris. Not on my birthday when all I wanted was to be alone with you. Not on that love cruise for Baljeet. You didn’t even catch the mistletoe hint at Christmas!” she huffed, with each memory, he seemed to sink farther down. His eyes looked down at the book. She knew he was seeing, pictures of her looking longingly at him while he paid no mind. Pictures of her before or after she went to get whatever he needed for whatever he was doing. Maybe he was remembering all the things she did so he would be happy. Nothing about how she felt towards him. “You wouldn’t have Phineas, I’m just… I don’t know, we are too different now, and you were too distracted then.”

Phineas got up, clearly he had gotten the message this time. He went to leave, stopped. She braced herself for whatever he was going to say. What ever excuse he had, or that he would have cared again. But no, all he did was place the book down on the chair, mutter he was sorry, and then walked out.


***

“What an idiot!” It had been three days since that day at the hospital. Gretchen had come to visit her when she got home. The once quiet girl was now a fiery redhead with a temper, and mentality to match. “So then what happened, Izzy?”

“He left the book, and walked out.” Isabella said, she had told Gretchen that she had burned the book when she returned, but she hadn’t she had put it up in the closet again, after looking through it one more time. Only to remind herself that she wasn’t that weak little girl any longer.

“You know… I heard that Phineas dropped out of the fancy school of his, and is gonna return to our school next year.” Gretchen laughed, “Can you believe that?” When had Gretchen become so cold? When had she started seeing it as odd for the girl to be cold? She couldn’t blame her, Gretchen had gotten it worse than her. She was always geeky and no boy wanted to talk to her even worse their own friends hardly talked with her, at least they respected her for the most part. Now, boys would drool over them, others wanted to be their friends and they ignored them all. People assumed they were just snobby in a gothic sort of way. But that wasn’t the case, they just didn’t trust anyone.

“Wonder what happened…” Isabella thought out loud.

“Maybe what you said threw him off his game, Izzy. It’s not every day a genius is proven to be a complete idiot, you know.” She shouldn’t care, why did she? Oh because now if he wasn’t in that stupid school, he’d be back at her school. She’d have to see him when school started. Maybe this year her mom would let her do it online, like she begged last year.

When Gretchen had left, she sat in the alcove in front of her window. Looking out, she expected to see some big, something behind Phineas’ house as per normal, or was once. Those days were gone Candace saw her and waved her down. She pretended she didn’t see, but Candace didn’t give up, seems all that focus she once had to bust her brothers, didn’t die out she just now focused it on other things. To bad she couldn’t focus it on her boyfriend, Isabella didn’t doubt he would mind.

She wore a long black t-shirt, and slippers down stairs and opened the door, Candace coming over to her house now. “What did you say to Phineas?”

“The truth.” Isabella said plainly.

“I don’t know what it was, but he was pretty upset about it.”

“Tell him to join the club, we have decoder rings.” She said sarcastically.

“Look alright, I know he was too stupid to see that you cared for him Isabella.” Candace rubbed the back of her own neck, “But he tried to make it up to you at the hospital, he tried to bridge the gap he had made. Isn’t that what you wanted, him to come to you?”

“Yeah Candace, I did. But that was a long time ago. What am I supposed to do? Run to him open my arms and say I forgive him?”

“Uh, yeah… I mean you loved him, and now he’s starting to see that. And starting to realize he cared about you too.” Candace crossed her arms over her chest.

“Yeah… okay… not happening.” Isabella put her hands on her hips, then looked over Candace’s shoulder, and saw Phineas. She hadn’t noticed him from her window, he was just sitting on a chair on the porch. Not doing anything, just looking at the ground.

“Yeah he’s been like that since he left you at the hospital,” Candace looked back at her brother sitting in a chair, and sighed to herself. “Who would have thought, I’d want him to do something. I’m not telling you to just change back to who you were. I’m not saying just forgive him. But say something to him, we are all worried about him.”

Worried about him, what about me? I was the one that had my hopes crushed time after time. Risked life and limb for some of the stunts he pulled, like when she collected that sap for that stupid bubble and that was just one of the times. All kinds of seemingly impossible things, which usually required her help. Well now he could figure it out on his own, he was so smart right? He didn’t need her to do those things, he just didn’t want to do it himself, and she told herself.

“Candace, I can’t help,” she raised her arms in surrender, and sighed looking up to the sky, “There’s nothing left in me.”

She closed the door, and walked numbly up the stairs. She vaguely remembered closing her door and sitting on her bed. Nothing left, she thought. It was the first time she had said that to anyone. Yeah she knew there was no hope, no happiness, and nothing left for her. But saying the words, admitting to it to another human… seemed to make the last pieces of what she called her heart break. There was nothing she could do for Phineas, he was a drug that she had been addicted to, and she kicked the habit, so why would she run back to him?

Why did she even care? There was nothing left to care for, nothing left to care with. She changed her clothing, barely aware of what she was doing, she had to get out of there, she had to go… she couldn’t be here, it was too quiet, too motionless. She walked out of her room, down the stairs.

“Mija? Mija!” she ignored her mother’s calls as she walked out the door, she didn’t care what her mother wanted, she couldn’t care. She needed to get out. She didn’t like where her mind was wandering, but it would end up at that boy across the street, and she didn’t want to face that. Not again, not now

Her mind flashed back, at the thought of danger. She was back in her eleven year old body, she had the hiccups, Phineas had built a haunted house to help scare the hiccups away. Nothing there really worked out the way the boy had planned, but she was alone with him… for the most part. Then the entire thing lifted into the sky and he was hanging on… she had been scared…

“Get a grip,” she said aloud her herself. And continued on to where ever she was going. Only bad thing about living in this area, there wasn’t a place she could go without being reminded of him. Not a single… there was one place. One Phineas had never been to. She changed direction and started towards town.

She stood before an old building, three years didn’t do building good. The letters above the door were faded, hadn’t been taken care of in a while. ‘Troop 46231’. She had left her key to the place inside long ago… she tried the handle, it was locked. Of course it was locked. She turned away until she heard movement inside, she turned back around and knocked on the door.

“Who is it?” a familiar voice, Milly? Milly had taken over the troop when she left, so it made sine that she would be here for the current girls of troop 46231.

“Isa… Isabella” she muttered, she knew she could be heard. The door opened, and the mousy haired girl looked up to Isabella. It had been three years since she had been here, and three years since she really paid attention to the other girl, who didn’t seem to have grown much since. Oh she was filling out like someone her age, but didn’t seem to have gotten much taller. She stood there, obviously wanting to know what Isabella wanted, she didn’t look aggravated or annoyed. Just curious, considering how she left and what she said…

Again she seemed to be reliving her past as she remembered walking through the door she stood before even now.

“I’m done with all this!” she had yelled, while all the other girls looked shocked.

“What's the matter Isabella?” Addison had asked.

“I’m sick of all this crap, what the point of these stupid patches if I can’t have the only thing I want?” she ripped off her sash, the item she cherished above almost everything else, years of work and dedication, to her troop, people who were more than friends, her family… her sisters. She felt her eyes stinging, felt the hot tears running down her cheeks, as she was snapped back to reality.

“I didn’t… didn’t know where else to go.” Seemed even here, she couldn’t escape memories, not the same ones, not the same betrayal. No this wasn’t Phineas’ fault, she had caused these memories here. “I should go.”

“No, no come in. No one else is here right now, but…” Isabella had turned and started walking away, she didn’t want to ignore the girl, but she couldn’t handle these memories. She couldn’t take it.

She ended up at the park, not remembering how she got there. She had been too lost in thought. It wasn’t like she could get lost here, in this town. She had been all over this town. She sighed and sat on the bench, black was a good color, but it wasn’t very good for the summer time. S’winter would be good about now, she thought before shutting her mind up again. That’s how it had been most of the day, mentally snapping at herself for remembering something to do with him. She got up and dredged on through the hot summer day.

People moved all around her, going about their daily lives. Didn’t seem fair, they all seemed to be having what they wanted. All you have to do is apologize and forgive him and you’d have what you wanted too, she told herself. But why did she have to apologize, she didn’t do anything wrong, except love the wrong person it seemed. She didn’t want to live like this anymore. She gave up and decided to go home there was nowhere left for her to go.

It was almost completely dark when she arrived home, and even though the sun was down, it was still too warm outside. She went into the bathroom, and literally pealed off her clothing completely and waited for the water to get at least warm enough to get under. Normally she would stand under the stream of water and feel like it was washing away everything bad, but not today, she felt clean outside. Inside however, she felt dirty. She wasn’t sure if that would ever change. But more than dirty, she felt hollow. Once she was cleaned, she put on her robe and went to her room, closing and locking the door. Her phone beeped, seems she had left it there. Strange she hadn’t even noticed its absence, normally she was glued to it talking to Gretchen, in some form or the other.

She sat on her bed letting her hair dry naturally she learned long time ago what heat did to her hair, and that was to be avoided at all costs. That’s how she got the nickname Izzy after all. Really she was kinda glad that no one called her that, except of course Gretchen, and there was no stopping that.

After talking with Candace, something taunted her… a reminder she had almost forgotten if she could just remember what it was. She shrugged, and figured she would remember it sooner or later, and get rid of it. She sat at her computer, opened the word program that had become like a second friend, and typed about her day…

The next day had been tolerable so far, her mother wasn’t complaining about this or that, Phineas hadn’t tried to come over… he hadn’t since the hospital, but each day she was thankful for it. Candace didn’t try to get her to make up with Phineas… the only really bad part was Gretchen had some family thing to do and couldn’t come over. But those things happened right?

She turned on the television, and lounged on her bed watching the tail end of some zombie horror movie. She yawned it was one that she had seen before, but she didn’t have anything else to do.

“Hey there are some dvds in the closet,” she said aloud and started rummaging through her closet. Tossing this and that out as she went, she thought she should take the time to clean this thing out, as she pulled out one of her older pink jumpers. “I can’t believe I wore this.” She tossed it out of the closet, in a different pile she mentally labeled trash.

Among the ‘trash’ she managed to find 2 more jumpers, a couple white t-shirts, that she had first thought she might be able to wear… results having to cut one of them off when she managed to get it on. Couple old bows, and some Fireside Girl berets, maybe she’d drop them off with Milly, she didn’t want them but it didn’t mean someone couldn’t use it. One of her old red sneakers… “I wondered where that went.” Couple Fireside Girl uniforms on hangers in the back of the closet… “How long have I let this crap pile up…” shouldn’t have used the closet as a dumpster, she told herself.

She reached up to the top of the closet to pull down some boxes, she snatched her hand back when she touched the box that held the book she had made for Phineas… that’s what's taunting me, she thought as she reached up and took the book, she handled it as if it might bite her. She set it on the bed and stared at it.

She went back to work hoping the single minded focus of cleaning the closet would block thought of the book out… she was wrong. Every few minutes she had to mentally slap herself to keep her mind on the task. Box after box of memories, this was really stupid she thought. As she put item after item in the ‘trash’ pile she thought, she had saved some of the most useless crap… a menu from ‘Chez Platypus’, a pamphlet from the Spa she had helped Phineas with, A score sheet from the first time she and Phineas had played mini golf at ‘Little Duffer’s’ Even a flyer for the stupid lemonade stand… she stuffed it all into the stupid book, put everything into a box the book on top.

“It’s just a stupid book.” She picked up the box, took it downstairs and out the front door intending to drop it in the trash can. Then she looked over at Phineas’ house. Sighed, she put the box next to the trashcan at the curb. She grabbed the book and crept over to Phineas’ house… he did seem to like the book, and I don’t want the damned thing. Giving it to him would ensure that she wouldn’t see it again.

She pushed it through the mail slot and took off back to her house, closing the door a bit too hard when she came back in. Then she ran back upstairs, and into the safety of her own room. She looked back at the closet, mostly cleaned, and organized enough that she could find something if she wanted too… no dvds though, too bad. She went back to watching TV and tried to get her mind to calm down, there was some slasher movie on now… better than nothing, at least she hadn’t seen it before. She closed her eyes one minute, and the next it was late in the evening… no one even bothered to wake her up for diner. She picked up her phone to see what time it was.

Couple missed calls from Gretchen, she’d get to that in a moment. Couple missed calls from the Fletcher house, those she wouldn’t get too soon at all, no doubt about the book. Some from Candace, she might take the time to call back in a day or two, maybe. First though she looked through her texts, the usual from Gretchen when she didn’t answer, message after message of asking where she was, or what she was doing etc.  Candace hardly ever sent her a text message but there were four from her. ‘Is Phineas with you?’ then ‘Are you there? Have you seen Phineas?’ then ‘Isabella, your mom said you left, where are you?’ then ‘We can’t find him anywhere, is he with you?’ her mom thought she left? Well that explained why no one came to check on her at least.

It wasn’t her problem right? Maybe he just went for a walk. Amidst the text messages was one she didn’t know, it was a number she didn’t have in her phone. ‘I’m sorry Izzy, I finished looking at your book. I wanted to apologize in person again, but your mother said you went out. So I’m going to be at the place it all began, I’ll know how you feel if you don’t show up. I’ll be here til 8.’

She looked to the clock it was 7:30 now… she got dressed and went out her room again. She shook her head, she was clean, and she was cooled off. Her mind had stopped racking itself, and now she had to go and find that little idiot, because he was playing games.

Most people thought the place it all began would be the first thing they did that summer long ago, the roller coaster… but she doubted that he’d be in his back yard if people where looking for him. The only place she could think of was the playground at school. The first day she met him when she had moved here, she didn’t know if she could make it to the school in thirty minutes. She looked at her phone, Candace was calling,

“Yeah?” she answered the phone impatiently.

“I’ve been trying to call you for the past few hours…”

“I fell asleep watching some movie, and Phineas isn’t with me. Why would he be?” Isabella knew why Candace thought he’d be with her, maybe they thought that stupid book was some kind of signal or sign.

“Because he left looking for you, he left your book here with a note that said if he didn’t come back, to give it back to you.”

“Didn’t come back? What the hell does that mean…” but she knew what it meant. That honest boy had never meant to hurt her, and when he found out about it. He couldn’t handle it, he tried everything he knew how to do to apologize. But she smacked him down each time. She started running. Ten minutes… she wasn’t going to make it… what if she didn’t make it? Would he wait a few more minutes to be sure? Or would he just take it as a final rejection?

She could hear Candace on the phone talking, but she couldn’t make out the words, she didn’t have time to hold the phone to hear ear to talk, she needed to run. Right now she didn’t care how much he hurt her… he didn’t really realize it. She could see the school, its dark shape looming over head, Candace was still talking, trying to get her attention, and she could probably hear her breathing, panting from running. She wasn’t going to make it.

“Phineas!” Isabella yelled, maybe he’d hear her and wait. She couldn’t be there at eight, but maybe he’d hear her and know she was coming. “Phineas! I’m coming I…” she tripped, fell and rolled a few times, never dropping her phone, she got back up limping, then starting to run again. “Don’t go, please be here.” She whispered to herself.

She rounded the corner and stared into the play ground, she didn’t see anyone. But it was dark, so he could be anywhere. “Phineas?” she said softly, too close to yell. No one answered. Then picked up the phone, “Candace... Candace, come to the school I think he’s here somewhere… just come.”

She hung up the phone and texted the number Phineas had texted from. ‘I’m here Phineas, I’m late but I’m here.’ She heard a sound and a small light near the building of the school. She ran to it, Phineas was sitting against the building, his eyes closed. She feared the worse until he moved a bit. Sleeping…

The idiot was sleeping. She kicked his foot, which made him jump and hit his head against the building. “So I’m here.” She said looking down at him, he looked back up his mind obviously hadn’t fully woken up.

“Unh, oh… OH… I didn’t think you were going to come.” She had expected him to be arrogant about her showing up. He seemed depressed, like most of the life had been sucked out of him. Now that the initial worry he’d do something foolish had passed, she put her hands on her hips.

“Well you didn’t give me much choice with that note did you?” she snapped at him. She watched as the realization clicked in his mind, and knew that she had talked with Candace.

“I… that wasn’t what I planned Izzy…” he started.

“Isabella…” she corrected,

“Sorry… but it wasn’t what I planned, I just wanted you to get the book back is all.” He didn’t even bother to stand up, which she was happy for. At this angle she didn’t have to look into his eyes since most of his face was covered in shadows. Though she wasn’t fond of not being able to see if he was looking at her, or staring anywhere…

“You didn’t think someone would say something? Are you truly that much of an idiot?” she shouted at him, making his body flinch. She heard car doors closing. Good, she thought, this wouldn’t be her problem much longer. “You know I remember you differently Phineas, I remember you being strong, and smart, and loyal… well mostly loyal. Now… you’re trying to please someone that doesn’t care anymore. I’m not the Isabella you knew, not anymore. She’s gone Phineas!” he started to say something, to argue the point, then she stomped her foot on the ground just as Candace and her parents came up behind her. “Phineas! Damn it, you’re just too… too good for me. I told you the Isabella you knew is gone. Deal with it, go on with your life… I am.”

She turned to walk away, she had heard the foot steps behind her, she knew who it was, but it wasn’t until now that she looked them in their faces. She wanted to say something, wanted to talk… but there were no words for this. At least not any that she knew, how could she explain all this to his family? They would take his side regardless right? So either way she’d be wrong. She started to walk passed his family just leaving him there. She stopped just when she was right in front of Candace.

“For the record,” Isabella said loud enough Phineas could hear her, she needed to do this. This wasn’t to help him, that wasn’t her job to help him anymore. This was to clear her conscience. “I want you to know, I forgive you for ignoring me. Just… next time someone shows interest… don’t be an idiot.”

“Do you want a ride home since you ran all the way here? You must be tired Isabella.” Mrs. Fletcher asked looking over at her, this was the first time she had even heard her speak in a long time.

“Quite right dear, need a ride?” Mr. Fletcher asked this time.

She looked over her shoulder at Phineas who had just gotten up from sitting against the wall, “No… walking is fine, I imagine you have things to talk about.” She looked then at Candace, “He can keep the book.”

***

She planned on just walking home, had even started walking home, but she ended up changing course. She started heading towards the old troop house. She knew no one would be there right now, but she wanted to go and just sit on the steps… Milly wasn’t foolish enough to leave it unlocked. Maybe they still kept the spare key in the same place… If she decided to go in that is.

She never remembered being outside this house that was used souly for the troop after dark before. It was quite intimidating in the dark, and had she not known the place so well she would have left. Her initial plan was to sit on the porch and try not to think. Somewhere quiet where the stresses of everything that happened with Phineas could just run through her. On the way, however she decided that she was going to first check if the key was where they used to keep it for emergencies. She leaned down to a bush, next to the door, and moved parts aside looking for it.

“Ah ha,” she said finding a large stone, under the stone was a key laying on a piece of folded paper. She picked both up, she had expected the key, or hoped for it anyways. But the Paper was something she didn’t count on. She unfolded it, it was a note.

Isabella,

I figured you might come back when you were ready. I know what it’s like to need somewhere to go and be alone. So I left the key where we used to put it. I really hope you come back.

Milly

That was nice, something she didn’t expect from any of her friends from the Fireside Girls, most of them just looked at her as if she was some freak. Milly had always been one of the nicer ones, even if she was quiet most of the time. She took the key and went into the house. It looked the same as it always did. Something stable was nice, something that hadn’t changed when so much around her had. She found it comforting, as she walked into the ‘living room’ or ‘common area’ and sat on one of the sofas. Soft and comfortable, as always.

She wondered if Milly was around, it was late for the Fireside Girls to be out, but Milly was a bit older now, like herself, and would more than likely be allowed out of her home later. She wasn’t sure she would have wanted to talk to the girl, it wasn’t that she didn’t like her. Just no one really saw her as much of a person anymore. And she tended to act like a freak, when people would look at her as such. Her phone started to buzz, she looked at it, her mother. She ignored the call, it wasn’t that late. She had stayed out much later than this before. She closed her eyes a moment and took a deep breath.

When her eyes opened, it was light outside, and she heard talking coming from where the kitchen. Had she fallen asleep? That’s a stupid question, she thought to herself. It’s light outside so yeah. She got up and stretched, maybe she could sneak out before someone realized she was awake. She grabbed her phone, and started towards the door, when she heard footsteps behind her.

“And where are you going?” it wasn’t Milly’s voice, took her a moment to remember it. She turned around looking at one of her old friend. Blonde hair, green eyes, and just a little shorter than she was, Katie.

“Um…” was all her mind could come up with. What use was a mind when it didn’t work right when you needed it to?

“Yeah, no… Milly is cooking something and she’ll be upset if you leave.” Katie said, then looked behind her, “Look we get what happened, and we are sorry for how we acted.”

“Yeah? Well that makes it all better then. Look sorry to barge in here last night, I only planned to rest a minute and gather my thoughts.” Isabella tried to keep her voice straight and neutral, “But I’m sure people are freaking out since I didn’t come home.”

“No, when your Mom phoned us to see if we knew where you were, Milly said you were with her, so yeah.” Ginger said walking out of the kitchen.

“Since you seem so intend on apologizing, why don’t you apologize to Gretchen, you treated her as badly as you did me.” Isabella kept her mask of indifference, and narrowed her eyes at Ginger.

“We did, in fact she already accepted our apology,” Milly said coming out of the kitchen, carrying plates of food, followed by yet another of her older friends Holly.

“How many of you are in there?” Isabella her eyes narrowed, not sure she wanted to have to have a reunion that she didn’t want to be at.

“Well, everyone from the old troop. This was planned a while back for everyone to get together.” Milly said, Isabella remember receiving a letter from them, she never bothered opening it. If she had, she wouldn’t have ended up here.

“Well I didn’t mean to crash a party for you guy’s troop.” Isabella started towards the door, and someone grabbed her shoulder.

“It was your troop Isabella, you formed it.” Addison had made her appearance while she was leaving she supposed, and in all rights she should have taken over the troop and not Milly.

“I left it behind, like I left everything else behind. None of you were keeping up, and I had to keep going or be destroyed. Simple as that.” Isabella brushed the hand off her, and reached for the door knob.

“Izzy,” so it was true, even Gretchen was there. When Milly had said, ‘everyone’ she thought that implied Gretchen too, but she thought Gretchen would have told her if she had planned to attend this thing. “Izzy, they are sorry, you know? And they want to make things right again.”

So her only friend she had left, no longer understood. Isabella had thought Gretchen understood it wasn’t the Fireside Girls that caused her to feel like she had. Maybe Gretchen had just thought Phineas was an excuse for her real feelings. Stupid girl, “They can’t make it right for me Gretchen. None of you can, so enjoy your breakfast.”